chapter 16, a zenith before the
penny drop - the slight of hand
before the clash;
a clatter and fields of copper leaves
plummet into the depths of
our aching hearts,
smoldering in golden fires of youth.
dying is beautiful.
reality streams in her lonely starved
veins, energy manufactured in some
core of incomprehensionable tenderness,
and "thank you" cannot cover their sacrifice,
wounds will be left bleeding in the wake
of this climax.
for she has such grace that Jesus would gather
roses for her to feed, but autumn falls,
speech fades to limping poetry,
and the sun may rise again,
but not in afterlife.
dying is beautiful,
and she is Aphrodite
in a sea of
ten thousand darkened suns.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Annnnyway.
These guys are certainly right about the flow, you have a lovely natural structure going on there, with that alternating 10/11 syllable being so gently rhythmic. I feel like the only place it falls down a tad is the ends of the second and third (main) stanzas: it's not terribly off, but I know you're waaaay more than capable of sorting it out to perfect finesse.
Theme-wise, I love it - completely besides the main idea you have this lovely scientific subplot feeding in through words like Galvanize, and all the metallic and energetic words you're giving us. I'm a big fan of tricks like that, I think it adds a whole other dimension to the poetry.
Well, I've basically just told you how good you are, with a few hints (well... one, really). But that's not particularly odd. Respect to you, Gummy: good to see some bastions of quality remain unchanged in my absence!
Or perhaps I'm missing the point entirely...
Jesus, and that stanza, are all about the sacrifice of anyone who is self-centered in their youth.. which is usually most adolescents. The sacrifices their families, friends and others make for them.
Wow. This is way too deep for me.
It flowed SO well, and there was a lot of imagery and theme. However, I did not understand anything.
This is why I agree with Rigel: make it blunt-er. I was reading through the piece, and my mind just transformed into a giant question mark ?. I don't like when that happens. The main stanza where everything went swirly and out of control was
"reality streams in her lonely starved
veins, energy manufactured in some
core of incomprehensionable tenderness,
and "thank you" cannot cover their sacrifice,
wounds will be left bleeding in the wake
of this climax."
I mean, is this poem about a dying girl in a climax of something, because you repeat synonyms of climax quite a lot, and the subject of death...but what does Jesus have to do with this?
(I actually like the Jesus part. It made it a bit more spiritual.)
Anyway, my main two thoughts: WOW! + ...and confusing.
Edit: A-HA! I finally get this! It took me a while, but I finally got what it means. This is nice. This is really good, or at least some parts of it are. The problem is that you leave what I think is the death of a girl shrouded in metaphor and never address it directly. You need to be a little more blunt, or, with a little bit of work, take out the death altogether and just make it about the life of a girl. I found the "dying is beautiful" repetition annoying, but the first 4-5 lines are lovely, and the last stanza is as well.